GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION
Hey, gorgeous! Hope you enjoyed your sunday. I know it's been a while, but I gave myself permission. I've been busy researching, reading… and having lots of sex.
So technically, I've been gathering material based on first hand experience, which is very, very bad, very, very wrong, but given the subject matter of this blog, very, very relevant.
On this sunday afternoon the sun was bathing my window just a few moments ago. Now the sky threatens with rain. I am having a cup of tea, not because it's better than wine… But because I just survived a cold so, yeah, tea for now.
How do you like the picture BELOW? wanted to show you my new necklace, featuring "Close Death Of A Dark Angel's Heart".
It's a little pink quartz skull, being sunday means there's a mini-hipster market on every corner around my neighborhood. The sales lady (whom had more piercings on her face that I could count, then realize is fucking rude trying to count them while she was kindly explaining all the quartz colors and "what they do") told me pink quartz it's supposed to repel negative energies and attract love.
Though I have been feeling it's overrated, love I mean, not the hippie stuff – Too bad she didn't got like ten of these.
A lot has happened in the past few months.
First, I found out about my best friend's broke-up with his five-year-long girlfriend… through Facebook. I was scrolling down to sneak pics to find out what my married friends had been up to, and pum! "I want everyone to know what a %$#^ you are!" Read on a picture… "You are a ^%#*ing %*^…" On another. Ouch! I texted him right away to ask him what was going on, he texted back "Call you back!" to find out later he cheated on her, like all of his girlfriends before this one. Only this time was different. I actually liked her. We all did, I think. They had a house and three pets together, with little plants to water everywhere and of course, the Instagram for each one of the pets, too. We've talked many times after that and I realize there's nothing you can say to someone who knows that you know he has cheated each. and. every one. of his past girlfriends, so I just listened. It's hard looking at this man on his thirties that all he needs to stop fucking up his relationships is to get clear, to find out what HE wants, to be clear about who HE is, get to know HIMSELF first, intimately. It hurts watching him suffer, and telling (lying) himself saying 'it will never happen again'. Last time he asked what did I think and told him literally just that, I said:
"Well, you know me. If you ask me, you know I love you and don't have a bullshitty answer to make you like me… It hurts to see you like this. It's like you are headed to a very painful and very real complicated fucking life if you keep doing this. Just ask my dad and the three families (that I know of!) he decided to have and at 70 his scratching his head wondering 'why is life so complicated?'"
Perhaps this is why I'm single.
Because I have Bullshitty answers for strangers, bible salesmen, financial and insurance executives who call out of the blue while you are on a meeting… But not for my friends. Nor the people I care about in general.
Though I am not a relationship teacher, a mother or nanny, nor Dr.Fucking Heart, either.
Like if things don't work out, fluidly, with respect and on a friendly manner with someone I don't fight reality. For the last couple of years, I have finally stopped fighting for things to go my way. For the simple reason that "disagreeing with reality" is stupidity and unnecessary drama in your life. No thanks.
Like this guy who cleverly "proposed" we got down and dirty on a beach trip where we just met, I say no and he withdraws the rest of the trip playing "Queen Offended By Rejection". Uh, oh! No thanks.
Or this other guy I slept with, yeah we just met but, it was different! I DID felt attracted to him… Anyway, after dinner he invited me over to his place and then… fucker bites me. Twice! First time on my thigh and I screamed in pain asking him not to do that again. I calmed myself and we laughed so we kept going… And then a second bite, on the joint of my neck and left shoulder. Painful! So I got up and left. Shouldn't "pro" biters wait to know someone better (and his/her Pain threshold) before doing it? I confirmed my theory that there's really absolutely no need to explain yourself, because people tend to listen and think whatever the fuck they want, anyway. He texted me the next day apologizing and asked how I felt – So, I explained that my boundaries weren't respected and that I hadn't enjoyed sex with him. We exchanged a few more texts letting me know further how we would not work together, to finally propose us to be nothing other than fuck buddies (?). No thanks. He insisted, so I blocked him.
No thanks, I said!
And then, there's this guy. I really don't get it, though as I just said before, he's probably 1) Not clear about what he wants, and 2) Not fighting reality here. Ah, ah. Actions speak as clearly as words do. I don't know why sometimes we choose to receive information from words no matter the actions. Which is lying to ourselves, blinding the truth from ourselves.
When someone is interested or cares for you, it shows. Sadly, when he/she doesn't, it's fucking obvious as well. And I just stopped myself from crying while I typed that.
Fuck this tea, where's the wine?
Because, with the hippie stuff mentioned above at least you know it's self-inflicted believe (or make-believe if you wish). It's entirely your responsibility believing it works. 100%. Either you listen to the face-pierced lady long enough to smell like incense and suede while she explains… or not.
But love, though, that's different. You need to risk and work to build trust in order to open up. These days seems increasingly difficult for people to be willing to even begin to build that trust.
The older you get, the more cautious you are about opening up, you become a better observer (hopefully) and your romantic-thermometer doesn't get to the red area that easily anymore. So, when you just accept this person's actions as they are, neither labeling them nor makeup-ing them to make them feel less harmful, you see through the bullshit. Your bullshit. His/her bullshit. Takes courage to stop justifying the whole situation. No matter how attracted, how smart, interesting, intellectually and spiritually driven, handsome man/woman. Im sorry, what?
Oh! So you want to know what's the least amount of caring for me, in order for me to care about you? Mmmmh, sounds like a philosophy working marvelous for you buddy, not for me though. So, yeah, no thanks.
The more I date lately, the more am coming to realize you find incredible people on the least expected places. So, give yourself permission. Permission to try again. Permission to make mistakes and learn from them. Permission to get clear and get to know yourself first. Give yourself permission to live. Let's hope for more equally incredible experiences and keep on becoming clearer and clearer about the "No, thanks" we choose to give.